Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Beyond Love, Lust and Lies...

She was standing in front of the mirror. And in the background her bed, with the rumpled sheets and the man in them, was quite visible. It brought back all the memories of the night that just passed by.
She enjoyed looking at herself nowadays. The curves and secrets of her body, which were still only known fully to her. How did she become like this, she thought? Just five years back, she used to blush terribly, just looking at her own body. But now she looks at herself like an artist looking at a subject of art. The men in her life just proved to her how beautiful she was.Driven by lust for her, they yielded to her all her demands and even seemed to enjoy her tantrums. She was not comfortable around women. Either they were jealous or competition. She felt safer in the company of men, who were more often than not, smitten by her.

She wasn't always like this. Her past was a faded memory, more like some visions from a previous birth than a reality of this one.

Coming back to reality, she quickly took a shower and dressed up. Then she left a note for the man in the bed and slowly slipped out of the room as inconspicuously and naturally as possible. As she walked down the hotel lobby, no one gave her a second look. None of the hotel employees could make out that she was the same lady who came in yesterday night. Appearances are deceptive and so easy to change too!

‘Amma!! You are back’ Her daughter shouted with laughter as she saw her. Her husband looked relieved and happy to see her. ‘You must have had a very busy week, dear,’she said. He smiled and said ‘ I managed my darling daughter fine with your mother’s help. How was your business trip dear? Hope your raise is due soon.That would make all this effort worthwhile.Let me make you some coffee, while you freshen up.’ She watched her daughter leave for her school in their car.

She loved her husband truly. Since the day they got married, he had never been anything but loving and nice. But ,she had changed within and the change was irreversible. Nothing could make her feel guilt. She had long killed her conscience.That the bashful young bride who had first come to this city along with her husband would metamorphose into her was a a conclusion no one could have imagined. The events that took her along this path, though horrendous and sad, were of no consequence to her anymore. Nothing to lose, only to gain, she always thought. Her fate was such and there was no escape, so why not enjoy the game anyway. She believed her life or lives gave her the opportunity of exploring the unknown, devious and risky and also bring her the happiness of the known, accepted norms of society.The purest thing within her was the love for her family, which she kept separate from everything else.

She took the cup of coffee from her husband, put it on the table and hugged and kissed him passionately. ‘ I've missed you dear!’

About the same time, the man in the hotel room was reading the note left by her.

‘ See you soon sweets! Have taken thousand bucks from your purse for taxi . Transfer rest of the amount to my account. Hope you enjoyed the past few days, I did...

Till next time,
Lots of luv

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Her Man

She was sitting on her bed facing the window. From the window, she could see the beautiful park near their flat, where she used to go for walks daily.She could see a couple sitting on the bench holding hands and talking. She smiled to herself and thought of her younger days... those furtive glances, secret meetings...

Beautiful, she may not have been, but she knew that she was definitely attractive in her youth. Suitors were never scarce but there were who she still remembered well. Ah! Young eligible bachelors of her times... each one different from others but yet so similar, she wondered. Seeking to please her with attention, gifts and what not!! From the young infatuated artist to that absent minded scientist! She had met different kinds of men... but in the end there was more similarity than otherwise...

Those were not the days of liberty for women, no sense of privacy but more of discreetness and propriety. Courtship was supposed to lead to marriage and interactions with the opposite sex was very limited. There were many who vied for her attention, the only daughter of a High Court Judge, herself well versed in history and political science. It was her intelligence and confidence , that drew men to her but it was these very qualities that made them leave.

She smiled, thinking of her Professor, a young man in his early thirties. Her first love? No, may be not. She was infatuated. He, with his short curly hair and eager brown eyes, used to take classes on Contemporary Political Theories. She admired his energy and radical thinking while he loved to listen to her opinions and arguments. Mutual appreciation soon led to something more. Then the problems began. His desire to possess her and control her got the better of their relationship and soon she drifted away from him. He soon got himself a 'homely' devoted proper wife.The artist( younger than her!!), the rich industrial magnate, the absentminded scientist, the narcissistic actor, the slavish singer.... the list continued but in the end it was her need for freedom and expression which won over all her relationships... and she thought that there was none who could accept her for what she was. It was only the initial thrills and then it was the same old story. She would never find her man.

That was until she got to know him!

Nobody could call him dashing or handsome, and he was far from being a charmer. Tall, with a pair of spectacles, he was a reserved person, quite contrary to kind of men she was used to interacting with.The 'Silent Sincere Warrior', his colleagues called him. He was famous for his sincerity and integrity. A newly commissioned I.A.S officer, he came to her city as the District Collector. His father was a close friend of her father and thus he called on them often. Being used to attention of the eligible bachelors of the city, she was a bit confused by his apparent aloofness. Other than a polite nod or a formal conversation, practically seemed unaffected by her. She thought him to be haughty and never bothered about him either. But she learned later on that all was not as she thought.

She can never forget that beautiful day of her life. Her birthday... more than thirty years back.Her parents never believed in pomp and show and her birthdays were not usually celebrated but were occasions of charity. She was sitting in the garden and observing the people in her house who were there for the measures of rice and wheat being distributed. She did not realise that he had come and stood beside her until he just wished her and gifted he a bouquet of her favorite flowers. Then, gently taking her hand, he said,' I have always admired you! Your will and intellect inspire me to become a better person than I am. I appreciate your work, having followed your articles and listened to your opinions, albeit discreetly. I am a simple man, not very good with words, but I feel I have to let you know today that I want you.If I have not spoken to you at length till now, its because I was not sure about your reaction. But I want to have this opportunity to get to know you even better, to be with you in your success and failures and to support you in your endeavors.In my heart I know that you are the one for me and I would ask for marriage right away, but I know that you would not favour it! All I ask for is a few months for you to decide my worth, and whether you can be with me for the rest of your life time!'

She was taken aback, though she managed to conceal her surprise. All this from a man of his stature, who was being pursued relentlessly by parents of 'eligible' potential brides. And to her amazement, her heart fluttered from the gentle touch of his hands and the huskiness of his voice. The glint of passion in his eyes, hitherto unseen, was more that she could handle .She just could barely manage to smile...and get away.

That silent unassuming man changed her life forever with those few lines! He made her discover feelings she never thought she had, helped her achieve heights in her pursuit for knowledge, supported her and gave her two beautiful children to take care off... Only he could complete her!

She sighed and looked lovingly at the sleeping figure on the other side of the bed. She could hear the light snoring and took relief from that familiar sound which still made her heart melt. It is as it was thirty years back! She'd finally found her man...actually he found her!

Friday, March 26, 2010


It was a breezy and pleasant evening. She sat on a bench in the park beside the lake. She thought a walk around the park would cheer her up. But now she did not think it was a good idea. As she looked around, trying to calm herself, she could see many love struck couple strolling around hand in hand, or cuddling on the benches. She couldn't bear the sight of so much love and felt something hurt within herself.

From the beginning, she knew it was not to be. But she let herself get carried away.The thrill of being wanted, being pursued was what spelled her doom.All is well until you actually fall in love, she thought bitterly. Then you get hurt...

She got up from the bench and walked towards the railing absorbed in her own thoughts. Looking at the sunset , she started reminiscing about how it all started... the first time they met...how they fell in love...the first kiss...the sunsets they spent together in each others arms and the promises made to be broken..she sighed...she could feel her eyes fill up, and did not want to blink as she could feel a tear forming in her eyes...Oh she did not want to cry!!! Not here,not now!!! She was going weak in her legs and she hated it. She wished to go back and make everything alright...but all the hurtful things he said, there was nothing she could do but walk away. And now here she was alone, when she wished to be with him.But.....

'I knew you would be here!'

She turned around and saw him smiling at her. Looking into his eyes full of love, she forgot all her anger and hurt. As he took her into her arms and hugged her, all she could think was about how much she loved him and cried her heart out in happiness and relief. Relief that he came for her and happiness that he did understand her after all...